Posts tagged ‘what do i want’

in which i ponder the ‘m’ word

That’s right, people. Marriage. It’s very difficult to work in the wedding industry (I’m a wedding photographer) and not think about marriage, weddings and love.

Last weekend, I witnessed quite possibly the most beautiful love I have ever seen. I worked a wedding for a couple (we’ll call them A+A) who have been together for something like six years. And they are still mentally, emotionally, totally in love with each other. The kind of love that is not only visible, but palpable. You could feel it when they were together, and you felt happier just being in their presence. They have the kind of love that reaffirms in your mind that true love exists; the kind of love that you feel priviledged to be a witness to.

A+A chose to see each other before the ceremony. I was with him, waiting in a covered walkway for her to arrive. He got more and more excited with every passing moment. Every time he heard footsteps, he lit up. “Is that her? Is she coming?” When my answer was finally “yes”, when he knew that she was finally standing behind him… tears came to his eyes and his smile threatened to split his face. He took deep, calming breaths and blinked rapidly to stop the flow of tears. When he turned around, and saw her in her wedding gown… it was one of those moments that you swear time stands still. Both of their faces exploded into the most beautiful combination of joy and tears. They hugged for a solid five minutes; the entire time, he was whispering “I love you. You’re my best friend. You’re beautiful. I love you.” Over and over again.

For the remainder of the day, they were glowing. They were the definition of a happy, excited couple on their wedding day. Neither of them made it through their vows without having to choke out a few words around their tears.

It was pure magic.

As for me… I can’t imagine myself married. When I attempt to imagine my future, I can see a career… I can see a home… I can even see kids… but I can’t see myself being married. I don’t know why, but it’s just unfathomable to me. And it’s not as though I’ve never been in a serious relationship, so I can’t imagine that kind of love. J and I had the kind of relationship that would usually lead to marriage. People would ask me, “Do you think you’ll marry him?” I would always say, “Oh… I don’t know. We’re not really thinking about that right now.” But in my head, I was thinking, “No.” But that isn’t a response you give when someone asks you if you’re going to marry your very-serious-live-together boyfriend.

And it’s not as though I am (or was) surrounded by broken marriages. My parents have been married for almost 27 years. My sister and her husband are incredibly happily married. All of my grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins were and are happily married. I have one close girlfriend getting married soon, and three others in very serious relationships which I wouldn’t be surprised to see develop into marriages.

I simply can’t see me getting married. I can’t see myself planning a wedding, having a ceremony, and then being married. And that doesn’t really make me sad. I’ve always been equally happy being single and being in a relationship. Being single doesn’t make me lonely or depressed. I don’t spend much time wondering when I will be in a relationship again.

But every once in a while, I witness a relationship like A+A. And I can’t help but think, I want that.


January 10, 2009 at 8:11 pm 4 comments

in which i need ideas

Dear Bloggy Friends,

Among my holiday gifts from my family, I received a $15 iTunes giftcard and $50 in giftcards to Barnes & Noble. I’m looking for some ideas on some awesome music and some great books for me to purchase with those giftcards. I like pretty much all music, and lots of different kinds of books. I probably wouldn’t go for hardcore rap music or extreme sci-fi or horror books, and I definitely prefer fiction to nonfiction.

Any ideas?

Thanks in advance,

Orange 🙂

January 2, 2009 at 8:27 pm 2 comments

what do i want

I saw The Women last weekend with a couple people, and one scene — really a montage — has really stuck with me. Mary is trying to figure out how to bounce back from the fact that her husband is having an affair. After a weekend at a retreat-type place — and smoking a joint with Bette Midler — she puts up a bulletin board with the words “What Do I Want” on the top. She pinned up all the things that were important to her and it helped her find focus.

I’ve recently been unfocused, and I think I’m going to follow Mary’s lead to try and find my focus. Between applying to grad schools, moving back across the country, redesigning my website and trying to figure out what my social life actually is, I could really use some focus.

I figured I could start it here, until I can hit up a CVS for some supplies.

What Do I Want

  • to get into grad school
  • to not be afraid to apply to the top schools in the country
  • to not be afraid to apply to schools in other countries
  • to pay off my credit card bill
  • to pay back J the money I owe him
  • to have a successful photography business
  • to be able to call myself a graphic designer
  • to have a group of friends like Friends or My Boys*
  • to be able to fall in love again… and not lose it
  • to be so deliriously happy that I can’t even stand it

What do you want?

*I’ll probably post about this further separately. I have lots of issues in the friends department.

September 24, 2008 at 8:49 pm Leave a comment


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