stuck

August 30, 2008 at 7:14 pm Leave a comment

I’ve been feeling very blah about my life lately. I feel stuck. Stagnant, even.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had so many different things going on that people would frequently wonder how I was managing it all.

In high school, I took a full course load, played soccer four to five days a week (which included at least 45 minutes of driving each way), worked backstage for our theatre company, was Vice President of our chapter of the National Art Honor Society, worked two part-time jobs, and still had a social life.

In college, I always took a full course load, including lots of really challenging classes. I played intramural soccer. I had an extremely full social life. I went on dates, had steady boyfriends. I would spend hours and hours, sometimes days and days, in the studio to do more than was required of me in my studio classes. If we were required to show 10 prints at crit, I almost always had 30. I took a class that required three to four hours of homework every single day, and I reveled in it. I worked a part-time job all four years. I even stayed on campus my first two winters and my first summer to take more classes. There would be days at a time that my friends, even my roommates, would feel like they hadn’t seen me for more than five minutes at a time.

I have always been insanely busy, and I have always loved it.

But now, I don’t do much of anything. I work part-time* and I have what you could only call fragments of a social life. I did recently join a soccer team, so that will add two commitments a week to my life.

But those things are not adding up to the insanity of have a too-full-plate that I thrive on. I am at my most productive when I have too much going on. I can balance and prioritize and organize, and never lose my footing. But when I don’t have much going on, I flounder around like a fish on dry land. I wallow in my having-nothing-to-do-ness.

I don’t like this feeling. This feeling that I am unproductive and stagnant. I want to feel the pressure of having too much to do again.

But part of me doesn’t want to get too involved with things here. I recently made the decision to move back East once my current lease is up next spring. When I leave, I will have lived in Arizona for just under two years. My hope is to get into Grad School, or find a job at a University.

Maybe my life is stagnant right now because I know, and have partially always known, that Arizona is not where I will be for the rest of my life. Maybe I’m not making too much of an effort because I know I’m not staying. Why bother getting too attached, when there is a countdown in my head?

I’ve got to find some things to do to entertain my brain. Any ideas?

*I did just get more hours and a raise at work, which means I don’t have to keep searching for a second job in order to make enough money to pay my bills. I’ll be making enough money that I may be able to start actually saving money — something I haven’t been able to do since leaving college.

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